We made it to the final instalment of my ramblings about why I’m doubting coaching after graduating from a coaching Masters! Thanks for staying with me so far, the response has been greater than I expected with so many fellow coaches sharing sentiments, kind words, and just helping each other to realise that coaching (by nature of being reflective), is both very deep but can also be lonely!
Being able to share those somewhat vulnerable moments with you has given me lots to think about and even a clearer direction about what I’ll do. Your support has only encouraged me to say what others are thinking too. Let’s wrap it up- to quit or not to quit…why that is NOT the question.
TV shows and film are my go-to method of escapism. I’m currently watching a Korean drama called Twenty Five Twenty One. The daughter in the show, hits a rut in her ballet career and is thinking about giving it up completely. Her mother asks her:
“Is it the compliments that you like, or the dancing that you like?”
This is where my fog started clearing.
I quit teaching when I realised it was no longer serving me (or my students), because I was pandering to the politics surrounding it. I was teaching a syllabus that I enjoyed, but in a way that I didn’t believe to be effective for the young people of today. The compliments were starting to run dry. It forced me to really question my intention of why I went into teaching in the first place. I had fulfilled those dreams (or satiated my ego) and now I was repeating a cycle year upon year because I didn’t know any different.
But I really like coaching. I really really like coaching. I can create a space for a person to work on themselves without my direction, it’s purely about them, and not my ego. It gives me a space to do this confidentially and privately, without the need or desire for any accolades. It helps me be more intentional about the work I do.
In the context of the previous posts in this series, I think I felt uncomfortable at my graduation, because of the identity conflicts, the imposter feelings, and there I was about to get publicly praised after a period of unlearning my need for external validation. As the dust settled, I began navigating into the Whatsapp groups and virtual meetups somehow. I didn’t feel so ignorant all the time (thank you Café/Bistro sessions). I started writing and asking my peers for support in proof-reading, always valuing their constructive opinions. My peers may have more experience and knowledge, but it’s the range of their experiences and knowledge that I value also. They are the fountains of my village. Their presence is ever nourishing, and I have so much to learn from them. (With special thanks to my MAPPCP Crew, you know who you are).
I’ve worked out why my backpack of stuff suddenly fell on me like a huge anvil falls on road runner in those old cartoons. There was a sense of rejection from the weight of every puzzled look when I say that I’m a coach; whether it’s to auto-rickshaw drivers, or the elders in my Bangladeshi community. After a month of travelling through this identity crisis, the final blow was the confusion of my parents who didn’t understand why anybody would give up a stable job to pursue their interests. And I certainly don’t judge them for their confusion; remember their generation’s focus was on surviving, while I have the luxury to choose thriving.
So in this vortex of imposter phenomena, and the cultural binds of the term coaching, here I am at the very beginning of my new life as a coach. Will I quit?
Absolutely not.
I am immensely grateful to my family whose relentless determination for survival, gave me the life that I’m able to live and push towards our thriving. They spent their youth physically toiling, and it’s okay if they’re confused. Their priorities for me will (at least for now) remain ingrained in collectivist and cultural legacies, while I’ll have to navigate a more hybrid road that serves my multiple cultures.
I have an amazing village of coaching peers whose expertise I have on tap. I will network and build myself up to their level of knowledge and beyond in a way that is meaningful to me and my clients.
I still don’t know what I’ll call myself and what my identity is and maybe that’s okay. I never did like categorising myself anyway. So maybe I’ll call myself something different depending on who’s asking. And that’s exactly where my focus will go. Not on the accolades, but on the clients’ needs, and the creation of a safe space for them.
Coaching is big enough for a me-sized space as well. I’ll put one foot in the door for now and start to carve out a space for my community. One that gets coaching recognised in places other than the WEIRD (Western, Educated, Industrialised, Rich, Democratic) population. A space for all those who experience an identity crisis in whatever form.
Coaching, I think I’m looking for a home with you, and it feels like migrating. Bewildering and hard to translate. But with time, I know I’ll make my home, and when I do, I’ll invite others from my background on this journey too.